• http://twitter.com/earthcareinc Earthcare

    Wow, you really tore up this letter, but it was very helpful. In general, people want others to be thorough, yet concise. Thanks for sharing!

  • http://twitter.com/MyInfoSnap MyInfoSnap

    This was as hard to read as it was painful. If you are trying to show someone the correct way…show the original version, then show your version and call it a day. You probably had some really good points…

  • http://twitter.com/francescastaana Francesca StaAna

    It’s definitely a painful read. What’s sad though, is that I’ve seen worse. 

  • http://www.authoritybuzz.com/ Authority Buzz

    Great dissection Kevin. Very informative. You should use this as a door opener for new business with the company that sent you the letter.

  • olafpijl

    Thanks, this feedback will help me to improve my sales!

    (is my exclamation mark justified?!?) :)

  • http://twitter.com/celwell Chris Elwell

    Really good piece, Kevin. Lots of constructive advice for the author of the letter and sales people in general, e.g. make communications client focused rather than vendor focused.

    This would have been more effective if there were a little more empathy for your target. Being CEO, you understand how difficult the art of sales is.

    BTW, there’s a typo in your About the Author listing above, unless the company name really is /Motivity. I’d also recommend agaist using meaningless phrases like “connected marketing” to describe what you do.

    Just sayin…

  • http://www.altaresources.com/ Cory Grassell

    Great edits! If you’re open to my “two cents,” avoid starting a letter with “I’m writing to inform you.” This has become one of my pet peeve over the years, for several reasons. First, it’s obvious that the writer is writing. Nowhere in history has a more-obvious statement been made. Second, if you need to tell someone the intent of your writing (i.e., “I’m writing to inform you,” “I just wanted to tell you about,” etc.), you’ve lost before you’ve begun. Get right to the point. Sales letters get little attention and even lower response rates, so cut to the chase. The intro is, perhaps, the key part of a letter, as it captivates and directs readers to the “meatier” content.

  • http://free-range.org FreeRange Pamela

    @twitter-17866207:disqus – Kevin’s bio has now been corrected. Thanks for pointing that out :-)

  • BFB

     That would be the -worst- way to show his corrections and comments.
    Forcing people to jump back and forth between two versions is the best way to make sure little of it gets read, and even less is taken on board.

  • BFB

    My pet peeve in Mr Chumpy-Britches crummy sales-pitch is the word ‘solutions’.
    Ooh jiminies that gets my goat!  Especially when some dingbat decides to use it in their business name as in: Bob’s IT Solutions, or Fishface Website Solutions or WORSE when it’s snuggled up against “Provider’ as in: ‘Blahblah Broadband Solution Providers’.
    This is stupidity and word-redundancy at it’s worsterest.

    The intent behind ALL businesses is to be ‘solutions providers’  – we automatically assume that, because if they WEREN’T, they be ‘PROBLEM providers’ – much like that rubbish American mega-biz Starbucks who certainly don’t provide any sort of REAL coffee ‘solution’. Actually, they do, after a fashion, as it’s a ‘solution’ in the liquid sense isn’t it? An overpriced as-far-from-coffee-as-you-can-get heavily diluted solution.

    PS: I delete ALL e-mails which address me as ‘Mr’, or worse ‘Dear’. ‘Hi’ is fine for me, anyone who has a problem with it thinks too much of themselves and should remove the stick.
    PPS: I also hang up on anyone who rings and asks for me without first announcing themselves, but then again, Bastard by name….!

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  • http://twitter.com/ExcellentPrez Excellent Presence

    Yes! The original version was absolutely deplorable. It would be interesting to know if the marketer responded to your suggestions. As it seems like spam, I’d expect not.

    Very, very few people truly know how to write quality sales copy. And by “quality,” I of course mean copy that gets results. In the defense of *actual* copywriters, it’s a very intricate science to learn. Yet, most still believe that their copy is golden, and that they’re expert copywriters because they can put a grammatically correct sentence together. Then they wonder why conversion rates are dismal. Smh.